Almost three years before meeting Grace, I wrote this from a conversation I was having with an old friend who was getting on in years…
“You’re all alone?” My friend looked older than usual, tired and beat down.
“I have been, for a long time.”
“That just blows my mind. You have family. You have friends. They all love you. And you know it.”
“They have all left me. They live their own lives now. They have been… for a long time.”
“I don’t understand. You always seemed like the happiest guy out there. Your posts are all full of love.”
“They are; and I meant every word of them. Every picture I posted, every word I wrote… I posted with love. I wrote with love. However, they all came with a longing.”
“For what I didn’t have, for what I never got.”
“What do you mean?”
It’s a little bit funny this feeling inside
I’m not one of those who can easily hide
“I have known for a long time that I was meant to love. And for the longest time, I shared and spread that love amongst my family and my friends. One by one, they found their own happiness. They found their own love, there own purpose for being, their own reason for love.”
He reminded me of a version of me, or at least a version of me that could be. I’m not sure whether or not that was a good thing, but still asked, “That seems like a good thing?”
“It was. It is. It will always continue to be…”
He took a deep pause, looking at me as if to emphasize the clarity of his thoughts, something I could tell he’d been thinking about for a long time. “But in the aftermath of all that love that was shared, I was left behind- through no fault of their own, of course. It’s the way of the world. It’s part of life. It’s part of what makes us all amazing and what gives our lives meaning. Eventually, we find the person we are supposed to be with; and God willing, we create the people that are meant to carry on our legacy. Two people becoming one, becoming the best versions of themselves, and creating, then raising even better versions.”
“That sounds beautiful, but why are you so unhappy?”
“I’m not sure if this life will provide me with the opportunity to…”
So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen
He trailed off into some empty promise. At first, I thought it was bliss but I knew him better than that. His eyes betrayed what his smile did not. His smile always bore an invitation into his world, one of never-ending happiness and love and joy. His eyes, however, betrayed a loneliness that was palpable beyond belief, but you had to loom closely and wait for it to even recognize it. A flicker. It was always fleeting, but it was always there.
The people in his life were happy, that much he could tell. And that made him happy. For those times they were not, he knew they had each other. They were not alone.
And yet, he knew she was out there. He never lost hope, but I could tell with every meeting we had, his hope was waning. But the thought of her, her very existence, or even the possibility of her existence, would give him resolve. I really admired him for that.
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it’s done
I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you’re in the world
And that’s what he bet on…
In this world, whether he would meet her or not, was better knowing she was at least out there. Somewhere.
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GO ADVENTURE.GO TRAVEL.GO LIVE.
ALWAYS BE EPIC.